And She’s Back…

 

 

Hello Beautiful People,

How the hell are you?  Hopefully, you are doing well and are keeping your head way above water, successfully.

As for me,  I am slowly feeling like myself again.  You know how it is…Shit just happens, no need to go into grave details about it.  It’s just sometimes we need to take a step back from our regular routine and examine our lives and put things back into perspective.  And sometimes that is easier said than done.

We sometimes cannot understand the sadness that comes over us and we try like hell to get over it on our own, however, sometimes taking a step back and isolating others, out of fear of taking out our frustrations on others may not be the answer.  But we weather the storm and hopefully pull ourselves out of the dump and return to society.  That be me now and going forward. (Hence, she’s back…)

I know that I do not have to tell/remind you that sometimes “this thing called life,” can be challenging, unpredictable and quite stressful.  Dealing with stress is not an easy task for it causes one to pull away from family members and friends.  Pulling away and putting distance between those we love sends them mixed messages, causing them (your loved ones and friends) pain and suffering.  You may think that hey, “I’m doing them a favor by not sharing what’s on my mind,” or “Not sharing your problems,” because you feel that if you do so you will prompt one or many of these feelings:

  • Looking like a loser
  • Family/Friend won’t understand
  • Will prompt unnecessary advice or obvious solutions
  • Fear of ruining your relationship/friendship

Most often when things go wrong, and when Life decides to throw a monkey wrench in your not so perfect world, but a quite manageable one.   You feel foolish for not being prepared in the event something goes wrong.

When it comes to talking with a family member or a friend one could find this to be a complicated, because thoughts like, “If I confide in them, what will they think of me?,” “Will confiding in said family member or friend, results in them sharing my feelings with someone else (another family member or other mutual friends?”) and (“Can really trust them?”)

And ewww, I can’t begin to express just how pissy I become when someone yo)u decide to confide in, and you begin to speak not completely explaining your situation when the party you’re confiding in decides to cut you off and offer their opinion.  And their solution as to what you should do.  You’re like, “That’s nice, however, if you had let me to finished you would see how that solution you offered has already been tried, or you would see that I already tried that and it made matters worse.”  At this point, the other person is blue in the face and quickly changes the subject.  So much for sharing.

Lastly having the fear of damaging your relationship (with a loved one or friend). This can also apply to a family member who offers up what you should do, or they don’t understand why you are having such a hard time.

It is in my opinion that Life has either shown or has taught some of us a valuable lesson on what part of our lives we should share and what parts of our lives should not be shared.  It is important to keep in mind that our Family and friends (good friends-of which most of us have one or two, in which we can depend upon and share anything with), are not problem solvers, however, sometimes sharing your feelings with one member can relieve some stress and tension.  Most importantly when you decide to share your feelings with someone, it is important to:

Really know that person and know in your heart that they are on your team, and are trustworthy.  And this doesn’t mean that they are the type that is going to agree with you when they know you are wrong. (News Flash: NOT A FRIEND) There is nothing worse than confiding in someone and have others look at you strangely because your business has been put out there.  Second, don’t share all your business, just share what really bothers you.  Or better yet share the solution, (i.e. you are unemployed and funds are running low. The problem is obvious, you stress that you may not find employment before your funds run out, that’s all that needs to be shared). Put out the word what your needs are because the number one priority is finding employment, not how you lost the job and blah, blah, blah.

We also learned from “this thing called Life,” is that it is very unhealthy to hold things in.  But you have a fear of talking to others or you find that you are unable to articulate your feelings, properly to others.  Then go another route.  Yes, there is therapy or a psychiatrist, however, the fear of sharing your life may occur and you wind up talking about everything except what’s bugging you.

I find it therapeutic to write entries in my autobiography. (You fellow writers, will get a kick out this).  I read an article some time ago, by Michael Lewis, “4 Reasons Why You Should Write An Autobiography or Personal Memoir,” and it got me thinking how this may help me, help myself.  Writing an autobiography or Personal Memoir, allows me to deal with my issues.  Writing the words down allows me to examine my situation, express my feelings about them without the worry that someone is going to interject, give me an unfavorable stare or offer solutions that are just preposterous.  This may not help you, however, I thought I would throw it out there.  Why not give it try, next time you feel yourself pulling away from those you love and care about.  Hey, what can it hurt?

Although the autobiography or memoir may never be finished or published, (because the story ends upon my death), at least it is a therapeutic remedy to what ails me and gives me a different outlook on “this thing called life.”  More importantly, there will no longer be a reason to push away loved ones, and friends, with the end result being losing them forever.

I thought it appropriate to add Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy,” as my sign off. Feels good to be back!

 

Lois “Depurplelady” Percente

 

 

 

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Hello Friend…(First draft)

Side portrait of a dark skinned female,eyes closed

 

 

Hello Friend,

As a way of trying to reason with myself, I decided to utilize writing as my tool of  courage to say what is really on my mind.  You see, as of late, I have been feeling really down and out.  I should probably seek help but by doing so it will make me feel weak, or worst feel like a crybaby crying over spilled milk. For some reason, it’s not easy for me to sit down and talk to someone, a family member, a friend or even a psychiatrist.  My problem with talking about what ails  me to someone comes from the fear that I will be looked at differently.  For everyone seems to think that I am a very strong individual, and yes I am, however, that does not mean I am made of steel.

Another reason why I don’t confide my feelings to anyone is because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, for I know that everyone has problems of their own and they really don’t need to hear about mine. I know what you’re thinking, “Then why not talk to a psychiatrist?”  Well, I’ve tried that before and in my experience, it was a waste of time.  You see, each and each time , I find the courage to go to a psychiatrist, he or she either leaves to work somewhere else or they expect me to be brave or even trusting enough to spill what’s on my mind without proper coaching.  You see, I am not very forthcoming when it comes to talking about myself.  I once had a psychiatrist, who kept looking at her watch, like she had someplace better to be or maybe what we were discussing was not interesting enough for her.

Family? Well, when it comes to family members, I am the oldest so, in my mind, I am the one whom they are supposed to come to for guidance., not the other way around  How would it look if their eldest sister leaned on her younger siblings for help or advice?

Quite honestly, I’ve never been the type of individual who dwelled on things, good or bad.  It is in my opinion, that things have a way of working themselves out.  And so I keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it all.  I strongly believe that “What does not kill  you makes you stronger,” hence my reason for not belly aching.  Besides that, I feel that although my situation may be bad, that there is someone in the world whose situation is even worst.

Most of the time I reason with  myself thinking, “Girl, you know you have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, perhaps you’re overreacting just a tad bit.”  Which causes me to re-examine my situation, my anger or sadness and say, “Drop a nickel in the bucket and say Fuck it!”  Well, as you can imagine that damn bucket is almost full  and it’s time I invest in a new one, or maybe I should get a case of empty jars, in which to scream into when things become a little too hectic and I want to tear a patch of my skin off and sit quietly while I examine it, or when I feel so very low, that I wished a lived near a highway where I could just walk into busy traffic and end it all.

The funny thing about it all is that it is a normal feeling, it is a feeling I’ve had all my life and I’ve always been able to settle down control that feeling of self-destruction by way of utilization of devices or shall I say, “distractions.” But now that I’m older and those old devices that I used at one time to deal or numb the pain, just do not do it anymore nor are they part of my life.

Even as I am writing to you now I feel myself already stalling and not coming clean with what really bothers me.  I suppose I will find the courage to do so in my next installment

Until then,

(c) %e